


Why’re you looking so beautiful to me now when you’re so sad?

by orphan_account



Series: So what's the matter with me? [1]
Category: Gorillaz
Genre: ;w;, Anal Sex, Boyfriends, Bullying, But with murdoc, Depression, Drug Use, Drunk Murdoc Niccals, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Happy ending ensured, Innocent Stuart "2D" Pot, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Phase Five (Gorillaz), Sad Stuart "2D" Pot, Sorry Ace, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-07
Updated: 2018-07-16
Packaged: 2019-06-06 22:36:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15204959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Stuart hides the fact that he has depression and a certain love for his band mate, will he be able to hide his scars and secrets?





	1. Tranz

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like this first chapter! I'm starting to work on the 2nd one right now, if I've made any mistakes I'm sorry lol. Also feel free to leave kudos or comments if you want! I don't know how long this fic will be, but I hope it'll get great responses

Stuart has been struggling with depression for a while now, he’s never told anyone about this, not even his parents; he couldn’t pinpoint when it had started but it was during middle school

 

People his age would often tease and bully him for his lack of intelligence and how the teacher would always have to repeat things so Stuart could understand better, it wasn’t really his fault he was like this, he fell from a tree when he was younger which was how he got his painful migraines and azure hair (Which he had always thought was weird and cool)

 

Kids would often say mean things about his hair too, and call him names like ugly, Stuart didn’t really think much of it, he just brushed it off thinking they were just all joking around. It wasn’t until the bullying became physical that he started to come to the realization that they weren’t joking

 

He remembered how he would get beaten up for just staring at kids, he didn’t know why they hated him so much, he didn’t do anything wrong from what he could remember.  
  
He’d often hide bruises or cuts by wearing long sleeved shirts and long pants, his parents didn’t seem to see any besides the obvious ones on his face, he would just say that he tripped into his locker or ran into a poll without noticing. They seemed to believe him, most likely because of his clumsy past and his damaged brain

 

Bullying seemed to follow him as he got older and entered highschool, people would stick papers onto his locker calling him ‘Faggot’ or ‘emo’ just because he listened to some rock and punk music. It was at this time he started to question his sexuality, not because of the homophobic insults he’d get. But because he’d find himself staring too long at some boys in his classes

 

He remembered some that caught him looking and would later bully him more

 

It was also at this time where he’d lose his self worth, and actually started believing in the words they would say, if he did anything wrong or did anything that got people upset he’d immediately bully himself, calling himself useless and a mistake.

 

Music was his only escape to which he could feel safe, and relaxed, he used to remember blasting his music in his room to drown out the negative thoughts swarming in his mind, trying his best to ignore his own voice inside his head, focusing on the music or the lyrics that the songs he’d listen to produced

 

His depression didn’t really go away when he joined the band, he was 19 at the time when that car crashed into his face, he couldn’t remember much of it besides the fact that he was in deep thought before it had happened.

 

When he woke up from his coma he could only remember that his vision was a bit blurry, and his body ached a bit. He’d soon realize that both of his eyes were now pitch black due to something called “EIght ball fractures” or “Hyphema” when he heard his new nickname “2D” he thought it was a badass name leaving behind his old name “Stuart Pot” and changing his name to “2D”

 

After that he felt happy for once, happy to work with music, something that he grew up listening to, he could still remembered the days where he’d go dumpster diving for parts for an old melodica or keyboard and mess around with the old wires to find the perfect sounds

 

He later put those skills to use with some of their songs, he felt content with his life, he had a family - a rather destructive one at that - and he loved them

 

It wasn’t until later on his career he began to feel certain things about his band partner, Murdoc

 

He didn’t know when it started to happen, (maybe somewhere after he and Paula broke up) he just remembered catching himself thinking his band mate was attractive, and then freezing at that moment, wondering where that thought came from

 

His feelings began to progress throughout the years, no matter how much he tried repressing his feelings it just wouldn’t go away so he just gave up on it entirely and focussed on the music they were making

 

He hasn’t thought about his feelings towards the bassist, mostly trying to avoid it and distract himself with work and drugs

 

Drugs had also been an escape from his depression, wanting nothing more than to silence his thoughts with painkillers and other substances.

 

When he woke up that day, he knew it wasn’t going to be all that great, his depression has once again taken its toll him over night, which was most likely due to something that happened a few days prior to the day he wakes up, and the only thing he could think of was when he and murdoc had a disagreement, causing Murdoc to storm out angrily back to his room

 

Stuart had also been angry but mostly at himself, it was his fault to begin with, he had been annoying Murdoc with song ideas all day, bugging him when he knew that the man deserved a break since he had spent all week doing nothing but trying to write Stuart’s songs and working up tunes and melodies to go along with them, Stuart was just pushing his buttons.

 

It didn’t help that the satanist was hungover from drinking last night. Which made him 10 times more angrier than before, at that moment self hatred had loomed over him, thoughts shrouding his mind saying how useless he was. He tried his best to avert his thoughts from it but it didn’t seem to work, so he decided to just sleep it off in hopes that his thoughts would settle down.

 

He had been positive that even if him and Murdoc had formed some sort of relationship, it wouldn’t have lasted long, Murdoc hated him, and would probably throw up at the thought of them together. Stuart couldn’t blame him though  
  
He wouldn’t want to be with himself either…

 

Stuart got out of his bed, his body feeling heavier due to how tired he still felt. Apparently sleeping it off wasn’t a good idea, it just made things worse. He walked down the stairs into the kitchen looking for something to eat when noodle came in

 

“Ohayōgozaimasu!” The young teenager said enthusiastically in her native tongue as she greeted the singer, Stuart smiled “Mornin’ Noods” Noodle frowned at his response “Dō shimashita ka? What’s wrong?” Stuart shook his head “Nothing, I’m fine-”

 

Stuart had lost count now how many times he’s said that and lied…

 

“-I’m just a little tired” Noodle studied his face, squinting her eyes while doing so “This isn’t about the fight last night is it?” Stuart shook his head “No, no! I just didn’t sleep well last night, that’s all” Noodle crossed her arms unamused “mmhmm” The singer chuckled and ruffled the teens hair “I’m fine, Noodle, really” The teen sighed

 

“I just worry about you D’, I know how Murdoc can beat you up, literally” Stuart smiled “It’s alright Noodle, you don’t have to worry about me, it was mostly my fault anyways, I was bugging him all day with song ideas, plus he was hungover and, well we both know how he is when he’s hungover” Stuart said, chuckling softly to lighten up the mood  
  
Noodle smiled but the look of concern was still plastered her face “Well, if you say so…”

   

Stuart decided on a simple PB&J for breakfast, they were starting to run out of food, he should probably buy groceries later on…

 

As he made his sandwich he could hear Russel in the living room talking with noodle, and hearing them laughing at something the other said. Stuart liked it when his friends were happy, hell, when anyone’s happy, modern life has become so depressing, the news doesn't have anything good on, mostly talking about things that could probably end humanity if we don't do anything about it

 

But let's be real…

No one these days gives a shit about that, all they are ever doing is staying glued to their devices, and listening to mind washing music. He missed the days when technology didn't exist, where you actually had to go outside to get entertainment.

 

Although he wasn’t going to lie, the technology these days makes making music more easier, he just wishes that kids would just look away from their phones and appreciate life more.

 

Stuart thinks that this new generation is spoiled, they grew up surrounded by all this technology and immediately became addicted to it, it's as if you gave drugs to a child and they just keep wanting more. Stuart hadn't lost all hope for humanity yet, he still thinks things could be better if people changed and would see from right and wrong.

 

Stuart had made it his goal ever since he started the band to spread out positivity, to inspire people to see the good things in life and to change themselves for the greater good, people would be at peace right now if they just learned to love.

 

He may sound naïve, but it's true, love is truly powerful, you can bring down hate and sorrow with just the power of love, people have the power to do that, to spread love and positivity around the world, they just don’t realize it. This goal is one of the few things that keeps him alive aside from his friends and family.

 

He's had his depression and suicidal thoughts but he still grasps onto that rope of hope, always trying to see the better of everything, whether it be something horrible and horrific or something bizarre and life changing, he grasps onto hope for dear life, almost literally.

 

He was almost done with his sandwich when he heard Murdoc’s door open and close.

 

Stuart had started to panic a little, wondering if he should apologize or just forget last night never happened, he didn't know what to do, all he knew was that he would just continue to feel guilty if he didn't say anything to the bassist.

 

Stuart averted his eyes as the pale man entered the kitchen, grumbling underneath his breath. Stuart chewed on his lip as he tried to think of a way to approach him, “U-Um, Muds?”

Stuart cursed himself mentally for how his voice cracked like a prepubescent teenager…

 

Murdoc just hummed as he looked in their fridge “Erem…I-I wanted to a-apologize for last night, I wasn't aware of how annoying I’d been…” The man scoffed “It seems like you’re not aware of anythings these days...”

 

Stuart ignored what Murdoc had said and continued

 

“I was just so excited about this album, and I had been thinking of some songs that I wanted to show you, and also some lyrics you might like…I just couldn't contain myself, and I completely forgot about how you had been feeling, and I just ignored how tired and angry you were… You’ve been working so hard on our new album for such a long and I’ve been completely oblivious to it. And m’ sorry…” Stuart said, hanging his head low before hearing a sigh from the older man

 

“Don’ worry about it, plenty of artists feel the same way, hell I feel the same way, but we have to take things slowly in order to make this album, it’ll take some time to create the lyrics and the music…” Stuart smiled and looked up at the bassist who was still looking in their fridge

 

“A-Alright, take it slow, got it!” Stuart said, immediately feeling better

 

“Alright, let's see what songs you’ve been working on” Murdoc said, laying back against his chair with his legs crossed on the coffee table and his hands behind his head.

 

Murdoc had agreed to listen to one of Stuart’s songs after lunch, stuart could hardly contain himself hearing this, Noodle and Russel had been downstairs watching TV when Stuart and Murdoc had entered the recording studio

 

Stuart grinned, feeling giddy already, Stuart started to play his keyboard, pushing some buttons to turn on some sounds he recorded beforehand and started to press the different keys

 

_Oscillate yourself tonight_

_When you're in your bed_

_Assimilate the dopamine_

_Passing through your head…_

_When you get back on a Saturday night_

_And your head is caving in_

_Do you look like me, do you feel like me_

_Do you turn into your effigy?_

_Do you dance like me?_

_Forever_

 

Stuart could see Murdoc nodding along with the music from the corner of his eye that made him bite back a smile as he continued to sing.

 

_See yourself with cupid's flame_

_Chipped in your head_

Do you indicate to the satellites

Passing by the edge

 

By the end of the song, Stuart's heart was palpitating due to his excitement and energy, he smiled sheepishly as he turned to Murdoc, a little nervous as to what he would say

 

A small smiled curled into The bassists lips, making Stuart giddy again “Not half bad, I bet if we add Russel and Noodle it would be the icing on the cake” Stuart blushed, grinning ear to ear “Ya think so?” Murdoc chuckled as he stood up

 

“Of course I think so, It’s my band-”  
  
“N-No no, I mean…You actually like it?”

 

Murdoc rolled his eyes “Yes I bloody like it, haven’t I told you you have a voice of an angle?” Stuart turned redder, his heart would surely explode any time now “I-I don’t think so…” Murdoc scoffed “Well great, now you know, now get the rest up hear so they could hear it”

 

Stuart rushed down the stairs in to time, asking his friends downstairs if they would like to hear his new song, once they heard it they more than happily agreed that it was amazing. Stuart felt like he could explode any minute

 

He wasn't used to all the compliments and attention he was getting, or compliments from Murdoc, he was mostly about insults…

 

He felt proud of himself for once, most of the times when he tries to write songs he's always criticizing his work to the hardest, every imperfect tune or every unacceptable note always goes into the trash, when he showed this to Murdoc, he was excited but a part of his brain kept nagging him that it wasn't good enough to impress Murdoc

 

Which he now knows was untrue, Murdoc _was_ impressed! Well, impressed as he could ever be…

 

The four of them started to record the song, adding now Noodle, Russel, and Murdoc to the song as well as other sounds to give it, what Murdoc calls it, ‘The Big _Wow_ ’, when they were finished, they added it to their albums list

 

By the time they were finished, it was pass 6, Noodle had suggested they call in some some pizza to which the rest of the band agreed to.

 

When the pizza arrived they all agreed to watch a movie so they could just talk about how shitty it is while eating, Stuart had enjoyed it when the band was altogether like this, talking about useless things and enjoying themselves while they talk about said useless things.

 

If you were to say this to a young Stuart Pot, he would most likely be confused and just walk away from you…

 

He grabbed another slice of pizza, listening as his friends talked  
  
“How much money do you think it took to make this crap?” Russell asked, Murdoc scoffed “Not much apparently, this looks like it was made with dog shit and cat hair” Noodle chuckled at the two of them

 

“At least they have some decent looking actors, I think I’d sleep with that guy” Noodle said, nodding to the character on the screen, Russell humed in thought “I thought the brunette was nice” Stuart raised an eyebrow “Wasn’t that the girl who died in the first five seconds of the film?”

“She could have been a great match with that Thomas guy,” Russell turned to the older man “But wasn’t that the guy who got ran over by that buss in the first ten seconds of the movie?” Murdoc smirked “Yeah, that’s why they would have been a perfect match”

 

Stuart snorted at Murdoc’s response, shaking his head “How about you D? Who do you think you would sleep with” Stuart blushed, he gulped nervously as he thought about it

 

To be honest none of the girls in the movie seemed all that attracting to him, all of them looked like they try too much to be hot and sexy. “Um, T-Tessa’s pretty” Noodle rolled her eyes “Everyone likes Tessa Stuart, I mean she’s got big breast, who DOESN’T like her?” Stuart chewed on his bottom lip

 

“Oh, uh...Samantha is pretty strong so...um…” Russell burst out laughing making Stuart’s face grow hotter “Really? That’s it? I didn’t know you were into strong girls” Stuart crossed his arms “I-I’m not! It’s just that-”  
  
Murdoc groaned “Then who the bloody hell do you like?!”  
  
“I dunno! I mean, they all look pretty to me…” Stuart said in almost a hushed voice “You need to raise your standards a bit, mate” The bassist said, taking a swig of the alcohol contained bottle he had been drinking for some time now

 

Russell raised an eyebrow “Shouldn’t you go easy on the drinking? I don’t think any of us would want to deal with your moody shit if you get hungover tomorrow…” Murdoc waved it off “I can hold my alcohol like you could- like you could hold your food” He said between burps, the drummer rolled his eyes as he shook his head

 

After the movie ended, Stuart cleaned up the empty boxes and beer bottles before getting ready for bed, just as he got to his room, there was a knock at his door.

 

He opened his bedroom door to reveal a smiling Noodle “Nē, I just wanted to say good night before going to sleep” Stuart smiled down at the teen “Oh, alright, good night-”

 

“2D…”  
  
Stuart raised an eyebrow “Yeah?” Noodle’s happy eyes turned concerned as she spoke “How are you feeling?” Stuart smiled softly “I’m alright Noods, I promise-”  
  
Stuart froze in shock as Noodle hugged him tightly, he smiled and hugged her back “Nē, you know I love you like a nīsan, right?” Stuart nodded as she pulled away “I know, I love you to Noods” The teen grinned “Alright, well you must be tired so I’ll leave you to sleep” she said before saying good night again and going off to her room

 

Stuart was still shocked


	2. You Got Me Questioning It All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot day, ice cream, and some drama

Stuart woke up to the sound and vibrations of a loudspeaker playing something that was too loud to even interpret. He groaned as his migraines started to arise because of this, he reached over to his nightstand, searching for his meds before finally grasping onto it and opening it

His hands were shaking as he poured some pills out, popping them in his mouth, he grabbed an old water bottle  that was almost empty and drank it's remains before wiping away any excess water that was on his mouth.

When it was empty he placed it on his messy bed before exiting his room, the music was only louder outside his room. Stuart covered his ears, only blocking out half of the noise, he almost stumbled as he walked where the music was coming from, passing by Noodles room to see that she wasn't in her bed

 

This worried Stuart a bit as he continued walking until he was in front of Murdoc’s room, his door pounding from the loud speaker, he knocked on the door, but he got no answer

He knocked again, this time harder, and got the same response. He was starting to get a bit aggravated by this point and just opened the door, not caring that he might get yelled at later

When he entered Murdoc was playing his bass guitar that wasn't connected to it's amplifier, and was playing it along with the music. “Murdoc! Oi, Murdoc!” he shouted, Murdoc must have heard him because he jumped a little, he lowered the volume with a growl before setting his guitar down “Jesus chri- what do you want?!” Stuart frowned

“You're music’s too loud! They're making my head hurt!”

Murdoc rolled his eyes “Oh, stop bitching! They're just headaches, you'll get over them!” Stuart glared at the bassist “They're not  _ just _ headaches Murdoc! They're migraines! They hurt a lot more than headaches!” Murdoc groaned “Whatever! Don't you have bloody meds for those things anyways?”

“I do, but I need prescriptions for those! I can't just fucking waste them! My other pills don't come until next month!” Stuart knew he was being a hypocrite right now, he had purposely overdosed on his meds more than once before, but those times were for good reasons

“Jesus, alright fine! I’ll lower it down, no need to bitch and moan” Stuart blushed before replying “Thank you…Also, do you know where Noodle is? She isn't in her bed, and I don't hear Russ anywhere” Murdoc sighed, starting to get annoyed “Did you check downstairs?” Stuart furrowed his eyebrows “No…But I'm sure they would have came up here and complained to you first before me…”

Murdoc shrugged “I don't fucking know, they probably went out to get groceries!” the older man grumbled “Now get the bloody hell out of my room before I make you sorry!” Stuart was ushered out of Murdoc’s room before the door slammed on his face

 

Stuart sighed before going downstairs, he looked in the kitchen and the living room and found no traces of Russel or Noodle, it was then that he found a note on the dining table that read:

‘ _ Me and Noodle are out getting groceries, Noodle made some grilled cheese for breakfast and saved some for you and Murdoc, I’m guessing you're reading this D since Murdoc barely leaves his room nowadays, Noodle made the grilled cheese extra special, so I wouldn't miss out on it if I were you _

 

_ Be back soon _

 

_ ~Russell’ _

 

Stuart smiled and grabbed one of the grilled cheeses and decided to watch some crappy TV show while eating, Russell was right about Murdoc barely leaving his room. Stuart couldn't remember the last time that Murdoc wasn't isolated and locked up in his room besides going on tour, he kind of missed talking to the bassist even though he was a dick most of the time, especially to him.

He didn't really understand why Murdoc hated him so much, maybe he found him annoying? Stuart didn't know. Just as the singer was getting bored of watching TV, Murdoc came downstairs and walked into the living room “Oi, faceache” Stuart raised his head at his name, half way through his grilled cheese he hummed in response

“It's boring in here, and with Noodle and Russ gone to god knows where, why don' we get some fresh air, yeah?” Stuart smiled “Alright!” he quickly finished his sandwich and changed into, civil enough, clothes before putting on his shoes and following the older man out the door

Outside of their flat was noisy, loud horns blaring, cars driving by, it wasn't really Stuart's favorite place to live, he kind of wished they were back on plastic beach where all you could hear were the beautiful sound of waves crashing against each other, and the gust of the cooling wind, despite being locked up and almost getting eaten by a whale, Stuart kind of missed the island

But he missed Kong studios most of all, that was their first home, and they had stayed there for quite some time before splitting up. What Stuart liked about Kong was that it was very spacious and was a great place to record music in, whenever the band had made songs in the studios, the music would just bounce off the walls, making the place echo.

Stuart came out of his thoughts by the sound of Murdoc's lighter, he turned to the older man watching as he took a long drag of his cigarette before exhale the smoke out of his lungs “So where are we going?” the singer said with a grin Murdoc shrugged “Dunno, was kinda hoppin’ you'd have some great place in mind” Stuart hummed “well, there's a park nearby, Noodle and I went there once, she seemed to enjoy it”

Murdoc sighed “Alright, show me where this bloody park is…”

  
  
  
  


The park was filled with people, some were having small picnics some were sitting on benches and some were jogging around the park. He enjoyed the fresh air, it was far better than smelling their disgusting flat, noodle tried spraying some house fragrances around the flat but it only made it worse.

Stuart had always liked the outdoors, he remembered how much he used to love playing In his backyard with his friends, he's always wondered what they were doing now, and if they had remembered him at all

Stuart looked over to his band member who was trying to light another cigarette, Stuart stopped and pulled out his lighter, making the other stop as well “Lemme’ light that up for you” Stuart offered, the bassist mumbled a ‘thanks’ leaning over Stuart's lighter as the vocalist lit the end of the cig, Murdoc inhaled the toxic fumes before exhaling it out, watching it travel in the wind

“Want to sit and rest for a bit?” Stuart asked, they had been walking around the park for some time now, he was kind of getting tired. 

 

Murdoc grunted in response, the two found a bench near them, both sitting down as they watched people passing by “It's nice here, isn't it?” Murdoc scoffed “It's hot…” Stuart chuckled “That's because you always like wearing black long sleeved turtlenecks you old goth! Try wearing a T-shirt, it's much more cooler” Murdoc growled

“There's no way in hell I'm wearing those shitty clothing, I’d rather die than wear those hideous rags!” Stuart rolled his eyes “Have it your way then” Stuart knew how stubborn Murdoc could be, and it can be a bit tough to deal with when they try to help him, Murdoc never seems to want help, even when he's at his desperate times

Stuart wasn't going to help this time, if the old goth didn't want help, he wasn't going to help

But Stuart couldn't help but notice the bead of sweat that started to drip from the bassist forehead, and he was starting to look a bit uncomfortable, Stuart sighed, knowing fully well he couldn't just ignore the older man’s sweaty state “Why don't we get ice cream?” Murdoc grumbled under his breath “Alright…”

 

The ice cream shop was cold enough to cool them down, Stuart was glad that Murdoc seemed to be more comfortable, now that he wasn't sweating in the hot sun, the two waited in line until they were next to order “What do you want muds?” Stuart asked, looking at the menu above the cashier’s head, Murdoc sighed “Jus’ get me whatever…”  Stuart smiled “Give me two mint chocolate chips, one with extra, and that’ll be all!”

Stuart paid for their ice creams and waited patiently for their deserts whilst Murdoc sat down at one of the tables. Stuart arrived with their ice creams, placing a spoon in each one “Extra chocolate chip for me, and a regular amount for you!” Murdoc began poke the icy dessert with his spoon, making Stuart groan “You said to get you whatever, it’s your fault for not picking anything”

“Alright fine, I’ll eat it…” Murdoc said taking a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth, Stuart frowned “You don’ have to eat it, I can just get you another one” Murdoc huffed “It’ll just be a waste of time and money, no use in getting picky about it…” The two ate their ice creams in silence, Stuart watching as people walk by the shop’s window while Murdoc just stared at his dessert

Stuart scooped some of his ice cream into his spoon and into his mouth, his mind going blank as he started to stare into space, Murdoc growled and snapped his fingers in front of the singer’s face, making him snap out of his daydream “Oi, pay attention when you eat! You’re going to make a bloody mess!”

Murdoc sighed as he grabbed one of the napkins that they gave them, using it to wipe off excess ice cream on the younger man’s mouth, making him turn pink “O-Oh, s-sorry…”

 

“You just always got to make a mess everywhere we go, don’t you” Stuart raised an eyebrow “Why’re cranky all of a sudden?” Murdoc scoffed “M’ not cranky! Just, shut up before I do something that I won’t regret!” Stuart was positive that wasn’t how say it but didn’t say anything. Not wanting to anger the bassist more Stuart stayed quiet 

 

After they’re ice cream was gone, the two decided to head back to their flat

 

When they got back, Russ and Noodle were in the midst of putting away the groceries, Stuart decided to help them while Murdoc went back to his room to isolate himself once again. “Where did you guy’s go? We were wondering why things were so quiet here” Noodle asked 

 

“We just went to the park, he was getting bored in his room i guess, after the park we went and got ice cream” Russel snorted “Ice cream, with that guy?” the large man said, nodding upstairs where Murdoc was, Stuart smiled “I don’t think he really had a choice, we were kind of getting hot outside, well mostly him, I was okay” Noodle shook her head 

 

“He’s such a stubborn old goth, but he can also be pretty loveable even though he’s mostly a drunk jackass” The three of them chuckled in unison “Yeah, but he’s our stubborn old goth, right?” Russel said, Noodle hummed in thought “I don’t know, I’m starting to think we should replace him with some other stubborn old goth” Stuart shook his head chuckling softly “You guys are terrible…” 

  
  
  
  
  


He closed his bedroom door before going to lie on his messy bed

 

This was stupid…

 

_ He  _ was stupid…

 

How did it come to this? How did he let that stupidly beautiful young man, get to him?   
  
  


Early on Murdoc had thought nothing of these intimate feelings towards the singer, just blaming it on the booze, but even when he wasn’t intoxicated he would still find some sort of attraction toward the younger man, he didn’t know how it happend... 

 

All he remembers is waking up one day thinking ‘Wow, my singer’s hot’ and then mentally smacking himself in the face

 

He’s had these feelings for the singer for some time, probably ever since they were still on plastic beach. He remembered actually feeling pity for the singer, he knew Stuart didn’t want to be there. He was practically forced to live there.

 

One night on on plastic beach, Murdoc had become lonely, he didn’t bother talking to cyborg Noodle since she wasn’t really built for conversations. He was watching the security cam feed from the night before since he was too busy at the time and while watching, Stuart had began to sing in his bed.

 

He was singing one of the songs the older man wrote, Murdoc felt like he was in some sort of trance, once Stuart had started singing, he couldn’t keep his eyes off him. Just the way he was singing it, it was more...Sadder

 

After that, Murdoc had grown a fascination with the singer, at night when he couldn’t sleep he’d watch the the security feed from the day before, just to hear Stuart sing, to hear his angelic voice...  

  
  


Murdoc got up and walked towards his mini fridge, grabbing a beer to drink, opening the bottle, he started to play his music again, drowning out his problems and thoughts just like always. He drank a large amount of the bitter alcohol, letting its burn travel down his throat into his stomach

 

He sat down on his bed, letting the music blare loudly almost deafening, this had become normal to Murdoc, drinking, loud music, problems he didn’t want to deal with…

 

And of course making music with his band

 

He did enjoy making music, mostly because of the fame and fortune it brought, but besides that, music was everything to him. It was both paradise and hell, it was a way to cope with the shit hole that is life. Music had been with him basically ever since he was born, from his childhood, to his teenage years and now to his adult years.

 

Music in a way was sort of a blanket, something that would always comfort him when he would have to deal with his father’s abuse…So it was only right to give his soul for it.

 

Half way through the bottle, his mind went back to Stuart…

 

Thinking about his azure hair

 

His toothy smile

 

The way he snores soundlessly when he sleeps

 

The way his cheeks turn pink whenever he’s embarrassed or shy

 

How cute he is when he gets ice cream on his chin…

 

These are the daily thoughts that shroud his mind, these are the thoughts that keep him restless, these are the thoughts that makes him want the singer, makes him want to kiss him, makes him want to do stupid things for him.

 

These are the thoughts that makes him question everything…

 

Just as he feels the buzz kick in, he heard a knock on his door, at first he thought it was his mind playing tricks on him until he heard the knock again. He sighed and got up reluctantly, turning down his music as he walked to the door.

 

He opened the old decaying piece of wood, divulging the tall drummer. “Hey, dinner’s ready. I made some bacon and eggs” Murdoc grunted under his breath “No thanks” He said before closing the door, but Russel caught it with his foot before it could close

 

“Hey, c’mon man, you haven’t been outside this goddamn room since our last tour! Pretty soon you’re going to be like dracula, man!” Murdoc scoffed “I wouldn’t mind that actually…” Russel ignored Murdoc’s response

 

“You don’t have to do nothin’ just eat, we miss you man…” Murdoc stared at Russel and found no trace of deception in his eyes, the older man sighed before opening his door again “Alright, fine...I’ll eat” Russel smiled “Good, come downstairs when you’re ready” 

 

Murdoc closed his door after making sure Russel left, he turned off his music and placed his bottle of beer on his nightstand before heading downstairs to face the noise

 

When he entered the kitchen, the rest were already eating. He sat next to noodle and started to pour some eggs on his plate 

 

“It’s nice to see you outside of your room for once Murdoc-sama” Noodle said smiling “Yeah-” Stuart swallowed his food “-I don’t know when the last time I saw you outside of your dark room besides this morning and tours” Murdoc chewed his food “I have a reason for that” 

 

Noodle scoffed and raised an eyebrow “Really?” she asked in disbelief “yes,  _ really _ ” Russel shook his head “Alright then, tell us” He said, not believing the older man either, Murdoc shrugged “I was, you know...Giving myself some _ me _ time” Murdoc lied

 

“You don’t actually think we believe that shit, do you?”   
  
“Who said I cared if you believe it or not?”   
  
“You have to have some reason you lock yourself in that shitty room, you never seemed to do that before we moved in here” Murdoc rolled his eyes “It doesn’t matter, just be glad I actually came down to eat with you dimwits” Murdoc growled before aggressively taking another bite of his food

 

Stuart smiled “Yeah, we should be glad that he’s actually eating with us, we should just enjoy it while it lasts instead of fighting…” Murdoc smiled “See, what dents said!” Russel glared at the older man before sighing and giving in “I guess you’re right...”

 

Dinner went smoothly, the band had started to talk about their next album and decided that Stuart should write the songs since he had amazing ideas, They were all excited except Murdoc…

 

The green skinned bassist scoffed “Dents? The same person who can’t even tie his own shoes? You’re joking...” Stuart crossed his arms and glared at Murdoc “I can tie my shoes!...It’s just that it’s hard sometimes…” Noodle furrowed her eyebrows “What’s wrong with nīsan writing songs? The first one was pretty good!” 

 

Russel nodded “Yeah, if anything it was better than the songs you wrote!” Murdoc growled “The fuck did you just say you fat!-” 

 

“Murdoc! Stop it, both of you!” Noodle interrupted, trying to break up the fight “What the hell is wrong with D’ writtin’ the songs? I mean even you got to admit that the song was good” Murdoc rolled his eyes “Okay, sure the song was alright, but having him write the whole fucking album? That’s like having a bloody toddler driving a car!” 

 

Stuart frowned, seeming hurt “I can write songs Murdoc…” Murdoc chuckled bitterly “The bloody hell you can!” Stuart stood up from his seat “Well at least I can sing better than you, you old goth!” Murdoc smirked “But that’s all you’re good for, isn't it? Without that fucking voice of yours, you’re nothing! You’d be livin’ on the streets by now if it wasn’t for me!”   
  
“At least the streets are better than living with a disgusting green git like yourself! I think I’d rather starve to death than to put up with your shit everyday!” Stuart said before storming off 

 

Murdoc growled “The fuck did you just say you fucking twat?!” Russel held Murdoc back before he could do anything “Stop it! You’re only going to make it worse!” Murdoc shrugged off Russel’s hand “Oh, fuck off! I don’t need you tellin’ me what to do!” 

 

Noodle glared at the older man “You’re a fucking asshole, you know that?” Noodle sighed as she went after Stuart

 

“I hope you’re proud of yourself, man” Russel said before leaving to his room

  
  
  


Murdoc was left alone  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter! If I made any mistakes, let me know! I'll try to update soon, though I might be busy so the next update might take a while! If you'd like to chat with my, my discord is 

**Author's Note:**

> Ohayōgozaimasu - Good morning
> 
> Dō shimashita ka? - Is something wrong?
> 
> Nē - hey
> 
> Nīsan - Older brother (These may or may not be the correct translations since I was using google translate for them lol)


End file.
